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Things I’ve Learned at Brunch

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There’s a really good pickle place … somewhere. These restaurants are often very loud.

The best cure for a hangover is greasy food.

The best cure for a hangover is more alcohol.

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The best cure for a hangover is wearing expensive sunglasses and not eating or drinking anything.

The best cure for a hangover is nonstop jazz featuring a blaring trumpet, according to this restaurant stereo.

The best cure for a hangover is yelling your story over someone else’s story, while they yell their story over nonstop jazz featuring a blaring trumpet.

Malcolm Gladwell is a real person, not a spokesperson for trash bags or diet cookies, and not in the middle of anything.

If you do fewer repetitions with more weight, you need extra rest. The same is true if you do zero repetitions, but are planning to do a lot of them at some point.

Second-day hair is not hair that was shipped very quickly with extra postage.

There are three acceptable pronunciations of ‘quinoa’, so everyone can just shut the hell up.

Some people still haven’t read Freedom, and they don’t even feel guilty about it.

It’s “Dude looks like a lady,” not “Do it like a lady.”

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Now, for a segment I like to call “The News, as I heard it at brunch”:

There was an important election in France last week. Also, in Greece. Also, on American Idol. It was an extremely contentious competition, the voting was incredibly close, and some people think the guy who lost is kind of a jerk. However, I, for one, am looking forward to buying Sarkozy’s cover album, “Nicolas was here”.

There’s also been a ton of weather this week. It was cloudy, but also super sunny and the wind was nuts, yet calm. It was weirdly cold for May, except for that one day, and those other few days that were scorchers, but then again, it was really hot/rainy/global warming-y in April. Most times though, the weather is just unseasonably beautiful and stoic, and we’re totally going to pay for it later—or perhaps we’ve already paid for it last year when it was sweltering/tiny/iceberg.

Sometimes, sports happen. This week? It was basketball and the Knicks are a team. Also, the Celtics are doing great, although there are some other opponents to watch out for and she can’t use hair dye because she’s pregnant. (Okay, perhaps I was sitting a little too close to a conversation border during sports.)

Most importantly there was a Supermoon, which is another word for a horse race celebrating Mexico’s unlikely victory over France in the European Cup. (Things may have blended together once my food arrived and I found it difficult to focus.)

Also, Port Wine is in. See you next week.

 

Originally appeared in Thought Catalog. Republished with permission.

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